My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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