I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
