a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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