I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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