my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
it's great music for shaving your balls
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
pray to the hookup gods
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
