I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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