Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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