The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
