where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
