This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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