did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
