Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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