Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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