You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
