I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize