and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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