When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Define "chronic" masturbator.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
