I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
