I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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