grandma shit on top of the toilet
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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