i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i can't believe i had my finger in that
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
