I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
