so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
