I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Blood and glitter go together right?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Who died my cat blue again?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
