Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
