3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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