the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
