I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
