Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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