If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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