He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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