I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
