3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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