just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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