I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
