Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
