I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
