The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
