i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
