I am spending my child support on dildos
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
