I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
