wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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