everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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