saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
