The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
