there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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