I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
im calling her cock vulture from now on
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
