You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
