in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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