I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
