She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
