I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
