Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
