I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
