There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
