even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
