i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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