just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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