How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
