You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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