you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
