I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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