somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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